How to Tell if You Have Run into an Anonymous Poster

I have been very blessed to be invited to a few shindigs lately. They have been awesome shindigs with the coolest people I met online and then in person. South Padre Island has a very healthy online community, healthier than most of the cities in the surrounding areas. We got to talking about some people who hide behind their anonymity, post very bitter and negative comments online and I wondered about those people. I figured out how to tell if one of those bitter, angry people are the ones you meet on the street. This is how you can tell:

You say: Good morning.
They say: Have you seen the mornings in Paris or Florida? This can't compare to the magnificence of those mornings. I should know. I contracted the sun and I made the deal that had that sun rising on time every day. I was the mover and the shaker behind those sunrises. The sun didn't rise without my sayso. These are nothing compared to the sunrises I ran two years ago when I was a mover and a shaker and damn near ran a country on my own.

You say: Want to come to my barbecue?
They say: Did you know that barbecue is carcinogenic? Do you know what that means? CANCER - maybe they can't spell that where you came from but I ran the equivalent of a third world country and they can spell cancer. Hell, no, I won't take part in your barbecue. Aren't the highrises blocking the view of the water? Who's gonna be there? Will there be beer? Did you know beer causes CANCER? Where's my cigar?

You say: Merry Christmas
They say: Merry? Merry? I don't believe in that virgin crap. I don't believe in religion. Why are you imposing your beliefs on me? Did you know that Christmas lights cause cancer? I owned a small country and ran it blindfolded and we used the electricity that you waste on useless Christmas lights here and we ran complete households with that power. What are you doing?

You say: Happy New Year
They say: For whom? Did you fill out the appropriate forms to be able to wish that upon other citizens? What makes you think you are better than other people to be able to impose your wishes upon others? I ran two small countries the size of Nicaragua blindfolded and with my hands tied behind my back and we didn't have anyone wishing happy anything on us that we did not ask for and we did just fine. How dare you! Did you know that babies in diapers wishing people Happy New Year cause CANCER? Diapers are not biodegradeable? Whose baby is that? Does he have identification? Somebody card that baby!

You say: Want to go to the movies?
They say: How much is the admission? Did you know that that movie is propoganda meant to brainwash you? I brainwashed a country the size of Nicaragua back in the war and I still have amazing powers of persuasion and I am telling you your money needs to be spent on voting for me to be the next president of the critic's association of America. Not Mexico. Mexicans are taking over. The Mexicans are taking the roles that Americans don't want.

You say: Have a nice day.
They say: Well, I'll try but there is no way that this day can compare to the days in Florida. I should know. I was president of Florida and everything is better over there. They have sidewalks and no purple buildings, butlers for waiters and goddesses for cashiers. They use gold instead of money and the sun never sets. There were no cops because nobody ever broke the law over there. Not like here with the kids and the animals and the wild music and the dancing. If I were in charge, this would be more like the country I ran that was the size of Nicaragua. There everyone agreed and rivers of chocolate ran through the town. I will have the kind of day I want, no one tells me what to do.


If you run into someone who talks like this, then you are likely to have run into one of those anonymous posters online. You'd best smile, tip your hat, and keep going.